We all know who they are, those poor people who earn a living by phoning up random strangers in attempts to sell them Double Glazing, Solar Panels, Accident Cover, Cheaper Electric, and lets not forget PPI or consumer surveys.
First let me assure you, I have nothing against these poor people, in fact at one point I used to be one of them. But let’s be honest, deep down we all cringe when we answer the phone to find out it’s not a friend, but someone explaining how your computer might have a virus.
Our first instinct is to hang up, and most of us do, frequently. Personally I’ve found some much more amusing methods to deal with them, so I decided to share them.
- Pretend to be deaf, I find it can be extremely funny if you deliberately misunderstand what they say, change solar panels to face flannels, its surprising how long a caller will repeat themselves in an attempt for you to hear them.
- Act like the caller is a long-lost friend, insist they are only pretending not to know you and keep enquiring how (insert appropriate name) is.
- If the caller is selling electric inform them that you don’t pay for yours as you are hooked up to next doors, this tends to render most callers speechless.
- Pretend to be a spy, keep repeating “This is Mad Hatter, what is the code word?”
- Inform them that you dreamt that they would call and warn them to watch out for the three-legged cat. (Just hope they don’t actually own a three-legged cat.)
- If the caller says the phone owner has been in an accident, tell them the owner of the phone died in said accident, if you can turn on the tears well enough you might even get something free. (Yes I know I’m evil)
- Tell them the person they want to speak to is in the bathroom. periodically inform them they will only be another minute and time how long they will wait before hanging up… My personal record is 22 minutes.
- If the caller is a consumer survey say you will happily do theirs, if they will do yours first… This gives you a chance to ask any number of stupid questions ranging from, If you unscrew your navel will your bum fall off? (Jasper Carrot quote) to When was the last time you saw a unicorn?
If you are ever lucky enough to receive a call for the “Wine of the Month Club” (yes they do actually cold call.) I find its very effective to inform them that you recently found God and do not appreciate the Devil sending them to tempt you… Then recite the lords prayer repeatedly.
Well these are my own personal responses, at the very least I think I probably brighten the poor sales persons day a bit with my unusual replies, feel free to comment with any you have.