Today I went to the dentist.
The appointment was made because I cracked a bit of a tooth off so, today I went to get it fixed.
Like most people, this is something I despise. I am of the firm belief that dentists are sadists. Have you ever seen the film “The Little Shop Of Horrors”? I’m convinced that Steve Martin’s character was based on a real dentist. If you haven’t seen the film, you are really missing out. But anyway, I’m getting off track.
It was with great regret that I walked into the dentist’s office today. With the knowledge that I would need to have a needle to numb my gum, it was an appointment I dreaded. However, it needed doing so, I put on my big girl pants and off I trotted.
Within thirty seconds of sitting in the dentist’s chair, it became extremely apparent that my dentist wasn’t trustworthy. I came to this conclusion when she told me the needle would feel like a sharp scratch.
As the needle entered my gum, ripping through the sensitive flesh, it felt more like a scalpel than a pinprick. Also, I don’t know what scratches she is used to but I swear it took at least a few minutes to finish injecting me. It doesn’t take that long to get a scratch. Despite this I sucked it up and lay there patiently, allowing her to numb my mouth.
For anyone who’s never had their mouth numbed, let me explain what it’s like.
You suddenly feel like your lip is the size of the Grand Canyon. It seems huge. You can’t help prodding it to check it’s still attached to your face. This is when you realise that in your numbed state you have started drooling. (Thank god I don’t have a young attractive dentist.)
Anyway, with my mouth numb I relaxed and let her get to work.
This is when her second lie became apparent. The numbing injection doesn’t actually numb you. I realised this when the drill started going deep into my tooth.
It was agony!
I swear, I’m not exaggerating!
My stomach rolled as I attempted to keep my breathing even to allow her to work. Unfortunately, when it gave a very bad jolt I had to stop her for fear that I would be sick.
It was at this point that I passed out!
Yup, you read that right. Out like a light. I didn’t even know it had happened until five minutes later when I came round to find another dentist had joined us. A cup of glucose was shoved in my hand by a nurse who seemed on the verge of panic and watched me like I had two heads. (Though, I did feel like I’d grown an extra lip.)
Let me tell you, for someone who is very close to the age of forty, it’s very strange to find you have just fainted for the first time in your life. Though I’ve written about women swooning, to know what it is actually like, I can now see my writing did not do the experience justice.
It’s strange, and an experience I hope never to repeat.
From what I can gather, it was a new experience for the dentist too.
The rest of my appointment was rushed through, thankfully without the further use of the drill, and I was shuttled back down to reception.
As I walked out of the dentist, praying the people walking in front of me didn’t trip over my crater sized lip, I couldn’t help wondering if this is the face of things to come.
Have I grown soft in my old age?
Has the women who delivered two children with no pain relief finally met her match in the form of a dentists chair?
The answer appears to be yes… Or perhaps, dentists are just so evil, the torture they subject us too well exceeds anything I’ve experienced before.
There is just one thing I am sure of. Next time I need work done on my teeth, they can knock me out first, not during it!