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The Evils Of Exercise

Today I exercised. (I Know, shocking isn’t it?)

It surprised me too but with my daughters wedding fast approaching and mine now in the planning, it became apparent that I really need to stop messing around with the whole dieting thing and get consistent. So, this morning I awoke and got on my exercise bike.

Firstly, I know me having and exercise bike is a bit shocking. I brought it in one of those mad moments where I decided I was finally going to do it. I would lose the weight!

That moment lasted about 2 weeks. Since then the bike has been sat collecting dust and taunting me.

I call it a bike but its actually a cycle tone. This differs from a bike because where a bike makes your legs ache, this makes your whole body ache. Imagine a bike with no handle bars and no back rest, meaning you can’t lean on the bars for support when you’re knackered and have to use your stomach muscles to stay upright. Now throw in some tension cables attached below the seat to work your arms. That’s a cycle tone.

While it is classed as exercise equipment, I tend to think of it more as a torture device for fat people. But with the need to lose weight screaming in my ear, I got up and decided to be productive.

Half an hour later I thought I was dying.

It wasn’t pretty. This exercise thing is nothing like you see on TV. You know those images you see in films of gorgeous people running on treadmills while chatting to their friends?

I think the only words I could possibly have said were,

Call an ambulance.

Seriously, I thought I was having a mini heart attack. I struggled to breathe and this weird wet stuff started dripping from my forehead. That doesn’t happen on TV!

Twenty minutes later, as I staggered off the machine, my body felt like jelly. I had no coordination, my arms ached and a certain area that is very important to me and I like to use frequently was totally numb.

Yeah, you read that right, I was numb!

And people do this stuff for fun???

Well, as of yet I have no idea where the fun part comes in. I only hope I discover it soon. Until then I see lots of aches and pains in my future. I just hope it is all worthwhile. I want to look nice in a wedding dress… I want to fit in a wedding dress. But if it doesn’t work and I’m still this big when I get married, to hell with it…

I’ll just make it a costume wedding and go as an apple.

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