Hello, everyone. It’s How To Wednesday again and it’s officially the end of November. Tomorrow brings December and with it the joys of trimming the house. Since I’m working tomorrow, my decorations have gone up a day early, which leads us to this weeks how to – How To: Trim Your Christmas Tree.
Why do we need you to tell us how to trim a tree? I hear you ask… Well, my reply is, read ahead and you will see. As with a lot of my how to’s I’ve broken this down into steps.
Spend an hour trying to find all the Christmas decoration. This usually involves rooting through a closet which only gets opened to shove junk inside. When you open the door be sure to move fast so the bedstead you took apart, and put in there, doesn’t fall on you. (I didn’t move fast enough)
Once sure you have found every Christmas decoration you own, ram everything else back in the closet, before anyone drops around for a visit and spots the eighties clothes that you keep in there, just in case they come back in fashion one day. You are now ready to set up the tree.
Once the tree is up, follow the distant sound of meowing to the closet door. Release the cat that decided to be nosey and got shut in there when you rushed to hide your junk again.
Have a talk with the cat and explain that as much as you love her/him, you did not put the tree up because you love them so much, you brought a tree inside for them to play with.
Pick up the baubles that you spilt all over the floor when you tripped over the dog, who was barking at the tree because it shouldn’t be there. Yes, despite the fact that the tree visits every year, and is an inanimate object, for some reason the dog still feels the need to defend the house from it.
Hunt down the dog who has run off with a sparkly bauble, thinking it was a ball. Tip: Follow the trail of glitter. It usual leads to under the bed where you will find all manner of half chewed items that you forgot you owned.
Rescue the tree from the cat.
Well, you did dare to leave the cat unattended with lots of sparkling things. If you can’t see the cat I highly advise checking the tree branches, if they haven’t already been broken. You might also need to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on the cat to prevent it swallowing the old tinsel it found.
Tie the dog and cat together with tinsel and leave them to untangle themselves so you can finish trimming the tree. This is a very tricky step and, I will warn you, it can sometimes result in bodily harm but, I assure you, it is worth it. If bodily harm does occur a glass of sherry will help alleviate the symptoms.
Enjoy the sight of your trimmed tree. Really, enjoy it now, because you will never see it like that again. If you have time, even partake in another sherry. This is a moment to be treasured.
Put the empty decoration boxes back in the cupboard, being sure to hide the fashion disasters once more and confirming the cat is nowhere in sight.
Retrim the tree that the cat and dog destroyed while you were out of the room!